for our myriad of readers who get all their AP news from this frequently updated super exclusive blog.
PEACE
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
EVER HAD BEAVER NUGGETS?
+
?
=
made of genuine beaver meat.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Blackout! 2
tanner mayes <--
tori black <--
carli banks <--
lexi belle <--
brea bennett <--
amia moretti<--
louisa arnos <--
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Saturday, May 16, 2009
You asked for this
Once you can do this Crim, I'll resign from living altogether. Promise.
Almost forgot.
The Different Types Of Poop
Ghost Poop ~~ You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.Teflon Coated Poop ~~ Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!
Gooey Poop ~~ This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
Second Thought Poop ~~ You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.
Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop ~~ This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.
Right Now Poop ~~ You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.
King Kong or Commode Choker Poop ~~ This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Wet Cheeks Poop ~~ This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.
Wish Poop ~~ You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!
Cement Block or Oh God Poop ~~ You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.
Snake Poop ~~ This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) ~~ Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.
Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.
Beer Drunk Poop ~~ This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.
The Frightened Turtle ~~ The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.
The Bungee Poop ~~ The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.
The Ring of Fire Poop ~~ The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.
The Crippler ~~ The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.
The Big Bobber ~~ The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ~~ The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Incredible Hulk Poop ~~ The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.
Jack the Ripper Poop ~~ The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.
The Party Pooper ~~ The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.
The Toxic Gas Poop ~~ The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.
Dirty Bowl Poop ~~ The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.
The Windy City Poop ~~ When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.
Oh Poop! Poop ~~ You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!
The Never Ending Poop ~~ It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Ab Rude - Nuff Fire
I'm a little late on this one...but so is everyone else.
that's all I got for now. cue up a jesse post about taking a shit.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Monday, May 4, 2009
straight outta columbia county
if you wanna know how we do how we do
get a lotta pornography (tinfoil) and a flesh-light (hollowed out tube)
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Pooping
you know when you poop and some water splashes up onto your anus.
that shit is tight...
bidets get the job done when the regular brand TP clumps and wads.
No Homo (silky)
A Conversation with the Ballatician$
I will now transcribe a conversation with the Ballatician$ as I hear it.
The setting: in the living room, playing donkey kong.
Lou: Crim loves the barrel. He's the king of the barrel
Justin: I'm rolling two joints with the rest of the weed
Lou: meep
Crim: Oh this song rules
Lou: You could make this a sweet song. Or not actually. You could make it a sweet rock song.
Crim: Shit.
Lou: You almost just killed yourself like an epic n00b
Nick: Damn Crim you're good at this.
Crim: I hate these guys.
Lou: They're monkeys throwing barrels.
Justin: They kind of look like Lou
Lou: They kind of look like me
Justin: It smells like soy sauce in here.
Crim: Is this our blog?
Nick: I want it so bad, and I'm the only one here.
Lou: Are you gonna smoke that joint?
Justin: I have the lighter right now unless you want to go out and smoke a cigarette
Lou: You guys run out of matches?
Jesse: ha
Jesse: Franco!
Crim: We have three weeks left
Nick: You see that Crim, I was all over his head
Justin: should we smoke both of these?
Lou: lets just smoke one and see
Jesse: smoke both
Nick: we know what's gonna happen when we smoke one
Justin: things that are rational don't fly. We play warcraft for 14hours straight. We smoke weed literally like its our job. We applied to get this job blazing
Jesse: We the best!
Nick: we're some of them
Crim: what kids?
Lou: those kids, when I showed up at the chapel and you guys were freebasing?
Jesse: I say nay to that crocodile. I always die here, every time.
Lou: can you skip a barrel?
Crim: you just have to be a G
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Ball Air
After years of working on the designs and concepts, we're proud to announce the release of our first line of Ball Air sneakers. They will be available in fall 09, sold exclusively through the Ballatician$ iStore. The inaugural launch will include three models.
The 'NoHoMo' work-boot redefines masculinity. Rugged leather panels and a denim toebox remind women of the catcalls they hear walking by a construction site. Each pair is guaranteed to be larger than a goat's nuts. Two colorways: Salmon/Flesh and Halo Green/Unreal Tournament Pewter. A solid, steel-toed kick in your image's ass.
The 'Snatch Master' attracts vagina like Chuck Norris attracts WoW nerds. This black and gold running shoe is made with 69k gold. Platinum cross-stitching really makes the shoe pop. Beyond its swag value, the 'Snatch Master' also happens to be the most advanced running shoe currently on the market. Not only will you look fresh, but you can back your shit up and run someone the fuck down.
The 'ekiN' is really just a pair of beat up Destroyers. We re-sewed the swoosh symbol upside down. Limited to 1. $5
We're still looking to offload 50,000+ copies of J. Vanacore's How to Ball Air: NBA2k9 Strategy Guide
Grown Men Cry
I've been told grown men never cry. I've cried for the following reasons:
1. Got dumped.
2. Broke my collarbone
3. Shrooming
4. Listening to Deep Puddle Dynamics' Candle
5. Dog died
6. Got kicked in the shin by Will. Then went, sobbing, to 7-11 and got a huge bag of puffy cheetos.
more to cum
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
KenKen & The Fleshlight
'Michaud Me Da Money' and I just abandoned our attempt at the nytimes.com uber-hard kenken shit. we tried the 8x8 and we've just been struggling for an hour. We can't crack the code, even though we're sniping answers off of each other. Michaud's still churning away like a fleshulator (half calculator, half flesh).
A fleshulator sounds a lot like fleshlight, which is a flashlight / vagina. That's a pretty baller invention. Imagine (no homo) the invention process. Did the inventor just hollow out a flashlight immediately, or was there a trial and error period? Did he try using toilet paper rolls? What was his prototype, a flashlight with sponges? Why did he even get the notion that he had to masturbate with something in the first place? Too lazy for a blowup doll?
Don't misinterpret. I LOVE masturbating.
I love. masturbating.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
Tuesday Night Movie Review: Shrooms
In honor of 4$ movie night at the Lyceum in Red Hook. Weekly movie review by J.H. Quest. (These movies are all available on the Netflix instant streamy-thing. If they weren't, I probably wouldn't have watched them. The final rating is based on how many people stayed to watch the whole movie.)
No one had much energy after the flaming morning shits following our too-hot sauce wing session. We decided to ball (no homo) at home. Nick and I had wanted to see Shrooms - a suspense horror about American teens shrooming in Ireland - and there wasn't enough opposition from the rest of the ballers to stop us from doing so.
Shrooms is a movie that should have never gotten past the fetal stage. I have to admit I was on-edge and frightened throughout much of the shitflick, but that's not really an accomplishment. Everything scares me. Puppies scare me. Puppies are way better than Shrooms, which is more predictable than a b0ner in winter. This blog typing program is telling me I misspelled boner, but I know I didn't misspell boner.
Anyway, this movie is garbage. Busta guessed everything that was going to happen within the first thirty seconds and out of the six of us who began watching only two and a half finished (sexy time was cradling his computer like an otter, thus he counts as a half). No one acts well, the directing is pooprific, and shots are re-used frequently. The only thing about this movie that will touch your boner is the demeanor of the douchebag fratboy character. His brass knuckle-ettes that read 'Death' and 'Coma' say it all.
He even wears them when he sleeps
Final Score: 2.5 Blunts (out of 6)
Happy 4.21
Happy holiafterday. Ballatican$/Amateur Prose veteran Johnny Quest here. We're sitting on something like six tracks right now, putting a little makeup on them before they're released. Look for Busta's First of a Dying Breed in May. Also the Ballatician$ debut mixtape is solidifying post-flame. A few new hit singles coming at you soon, including Dust Her Nipples Off, and Ballin'.
Warn the kids about the buffalo wild shits
shit wild buffalo wild shits while wild buffalo wild buffaloes wildly shit wild buffalo shit.
we shit wild.
Monday, April 20, 2009
berry
i def drank a half empty glass of cran, crim.
i owe you at least a half full glass of cran, crim.
i owe you at least a half full glass of cran, crim.
LEGEND:
(cran = crim)
(crim = cran)
(cran + crim = a full glass of cran/crim)
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Dust Her Nipples Off
BallaticiaN$ working on the new exclusive hit single "Dust Her Nipples Off". The Babaram is in the building. Threat Level Redeye.
we're like your mom's dildosaurus hunting you at night.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Recording: We Are The Mozarts
we're celebrating 4.20 on 4.18 because we decided to, and we're a few blunts deep. We're recording an epic fucking track about being dank, and Jaguar can't keep his giggle factory under control. He's spilling giggles everywhere. He's your burst nightmare.
We'll be putting up the track later tonight or tomorrow, keep you posted (like charles oakley)
alright
who drank half the cranberry juice I bought yesterday. this shit isn't blue drink, it doesn't grow on trees.
I'm looking at you, "John Quest"
Friday, April 17, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Crank
I just saw Crank, and it is by far the greatest movie of all time. If you haven't seen this movie, you're doing yourself a disservice. Don't be Lou. Go out and rent this movie. Tell your girlfriend she owes you. In fact, just put it all on the table and tell her you want to do coke off her ass and then make her give you "brains" (street slang for boner-licking). I dare you not to get a boner while watching Crank.
Fuck. also listen to Robbin' Williams
Hi, I'm Vince
and I'm a piece of shit. When I'm not lying on crim's couch, browsing porn like an a$$hole, I'm eating all of his cereal and pretending to be a rapper star
We Heart Manny Ramirez
Yo, little quest coming at you from crim's creaking beatlab. It's getting all sunsetty and shit in here. Fucking beautiful orange light. We're recording the new jam for First of a Dying Breed, and justin's getting really airy with it. It's about LA so we're blazing and trying to channel those sunny, blazey days.
Manny Ramirez is probably the biggest baller in professional sports. hit that shit.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Field Trip
Today we visited our birthplace, a lyrical pit of fire located at the center of the Me-niverse. It was awe-crunching. We ate Dibbs and laughed about the sun and sang until giggles overcame us. It was a windy day, and we had trouble lighting our barbecue.
We make rap.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
What I Wish, part I
I wish the single, dangling earring would come back in style for men.
When it does, I'll have the dreamcatcher earring ready to go.
How To Build A House Out of Fireplaces in 2 Easy Steps
1. build a house out of fireplaces.
2. finish.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Ballatician$ store
we've decided to open a ballatician$ store.
we will exclusively carry:
white shirts (6XL only)
gold-on-gold jerseys
bottled blue drink
How To Ball: NBA2k9 Strategy Guide - by jesse vanacore
Hudson area flagship store opening soon!
3 Mixtapes Guaranteed to Blind
morning.
three upcoming releases to watch out for:
First of a Dying Breed
Sorry I Stole Your Music vol. 1
drool in anticipation.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)