In Memory of Curtis

Today is a sad day for everyone.

I accidentally murdered my roommate Curtis while doing laundry. I was taking my clothes out of the washer and saw a furry little lump at the bottom, so I picked it up all innocent like "what's that shit?" When I realized, I dropped it and screamed like a little girl.

What the fuck Curtis. How did you get IN THERE?!

His fur was all smoothed out and clean and he looked like a flattened stuffed animal. But it wasn't a stuffed animal. It was a dead mouse.

Fuck. I was only trying to do my laundry.

THE GOVERNMENT FOUND ME

A woman showed up at my door claiming to be from the Census Bureau. She seemed alarmed that I was wearing my pajamas at 1 in the afternoon. Clearly we were on different wavelengths. She asked me for my address, which I thought was odd considering she had already found her way to my house. I think she was testing me, because when I told her I live in Barrytown she looked at her clipboard and replied, "no. no, you live in Red Hook." Don't tell me where I live, woman. I gave her the wrong zip code just to keep her on her toes. She also asked how many people live in the cabin. I mentioned The Famous Flying Ostrich, but I didn't tell her about the shrews. Do you think I should have?

On a side note, I've decided I'm going to turn in the two Ballatician$ albums for my senior project. Once they hear Long Time Cummin' they're sure to hand me my diploma on the spot.

P.S. Don't shit in my hummus, shrews. I need it for sustenance.

Taking a Poop

I've had a cough for months. I went to the doctor yesterday. He gave me meds. He's also a cop. He told me that, in California, sobriety checkpoints must give advance warning to drivers (for instance, a sign a block ahead) and allow drivers to legally avoid the checkpoints.

Food for thought