Amateur Prose Presents

Great news everyone!

2010-07-25T20:31:00.000-07:00

I've quit blogging. Henceforth I'm strictly tumblring.

http://cremedelacrim.tumblr.com

Tumblr is the future of my E-Feelings.

sup y'all

2010-07-10T15:59:00.001-07:00

i just madez a webside.

check it out.

let me know what you think.

i haven't told anyone about it yet.

www.bustinfabulous.com

things I've learned in Massachusetts

2010-06-30T12:10:00.000-07:00

chalupa food poisoning is a game changer

HEALTH is a crazy live band

Exit through the Gift Shop is a movie I like

Lou has a cat that behaves like a dog and a dog that looks like a cow and behaves like a cat

using raw minerals from the earth, you can bake cookies INSIDE of brownies

the eskimos invented depression (lack of Vitamin D)

everything in moderation, including moderation (sometimes you gotta be Xtreme)

2010-06-21T02:43:00.000-07:00

let's f<3ck

in rotation (no fucking around here)

2010-06-21T02:36:00.000-07:00

1. hard rock cafe - the ballatician$
2. power - kanye west
3. champions - ron artest
4. o holy night (cover) - 98 degrees

ESCAPE FAIL

2010-06-04T14:33:00.000-07:00

ESCAPE

2010-05-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

like a shitty van wilder

2010-05-13T15:46:00.000-07:00

This morning, after violently coughing up a thick, goopy ball of green drink, I saw three orange butterflies arranged in a circle, slowly flapping their wings in unison. I’m pretty sure they were conducting a séance or engaging in some sort of telepathic ménage à trois. It was the second nicest thing I experienced this week.

Last night, my school advisor informed me that although he said two weeks ago that he was fine with me working on my senior project away from campus, he has since changed his mind. He told me, "I know you just want to get out of here, but it sounds like you just want to get out of here."

That sounds like a Ballatician$ lyric.

sorry

2010-05-10T10:15:00.000-07:00

word that last post was a bit cryptic. I apologize for that. I was bugging out. I think it's because I got an oil stain from some organic peanut butter on my suede shoes and I got pretty mad about it. Don't worry though I'll get over it. That's what I get for buying fancy peanut butter like an asshole.

Some resolutions (my new year starts arbitrarily):

1. Stop apologizing

2. Ball harder

3. Finish and release waaaaaaay more music

On that note, Bustin just put a single, "I Know," up on iTunes. We'd love the support if you can spare 99 cents. Think of it as a throwback to the '90s when you thought music was worth paying for.

I might start putting more random things up here for download. Then again, maybe not, who could say.

DOWNLOAD "I KNOW"

postcocious

2010-05-03T10:51:00.001-07:00

Question: If a hipster falls in the forest, and no one takes a photo, did it still happen?

Its been getting real tropical up in this bitch, type a shit makes me want to paint my face and go cannibal.

CET: Timezone for Pussies

2010-04-26T21:06:00.000-07:00

i've been chilling in the CET. That stands for something like "central european timezone". I haven't bothered to check if that's correct. As you know, the nba playoffs have begun. Because basketball is a wondrous, godly sport, it's played in America. As such, it occurs during reasonable hours. Unless you're 9 hours ahead of PST. So here I am, at 607 in the morning, waiting for the blazers/suns halftime to be over so i can continue to stream it from my friend's borrowed computer.

The spurs are nutting on the competition.

Ginobili looks like Sin City.

Berlin is overrun with Canadian graphic designers.

I miss the crew. no homeowner.

ljl

ps: stay tuned for my true story about how I got wasted, took tons of pills, then walked around the red light district of amsterdam crying because i couldn't get a boner.

pps: ive had no computer for over a month and so i still haven't heard the new ballatician$ ep and that really really really really pisses me off. I bump the wolfgang all across this half-assed continent.

ppps: this european ash cloud messed everything up. I'm headed to stockholm this week to hopefully make some rappity rap with skugen av svampen (there's a super decent chance i mispronounced their name). I'm also looking for my gorgeous swedish wife with tits the size of me.

RIP GURU

Free balls deep and dropping

2010-04-04T12:03:00.000-07:00

I know what this kid's thinking.

I've been there.

He's wondering, "why haven't the Ballatician$ released any new music?"

Soon my friend. Soon.

In Memory of Curtis

2010-03-14T12:41:00.000-07:00

Today is a sad day for everyone.

I accidentally murdered my roommate Curtis while doing laundry. I was taking my clothes out of the washer and saw a furry little lump at the bottom, so I picked it up all innocent like "what's that shit?" When I realized, I dropped it and screamed like a little girl.

What the fuck Curtis. How did you get IN THERE?!

His fur was all smoothed out and clean and he looked like a flattened stuffed animal. But it wasn't a stuffed animal. It was a dead mouse.

Fuck. I was only trying to do my laundry.

THE GOVERNMENT FOUND ME

2010-03-04T15:21:00.000-08:00

A woman showed up at my door claiming to be from the Census Bureau. She seemed alarmed that I was wearing my pajamas at 1 in the afternoon. Clearly we were on different wavelengths. She asked me for my address, which I thought was odd considering she had already found her way to my house. I think she was testing me, because when I told her I live in Barrytown she looked at her clipboard and replied, "no. no, you live in Red Hook." Don't tell me where I live, woman. I gave her the wrong zip code just to keep her on her toes. She also asked how many people live in the cabin. I mentioned The Famous Flying Ostrich, but I didn't tell her about the shrews. Do you think I should have?

On a side note, I've decided I'm going to turn in the two Ballatician$ albums for my senior project. Once they hear Long Time Cummin' they're sure to hand me my diploma on the spot.

P.S. Don't shit in my hummus, shrews. I need it for sustenance.

Taking a Poop

2010-03-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

I've had a cough for months. I went to the doctor yesterday. He gave me meds. He's also a cop. He told me that, in California, sobriety checkpoints must give advance warning to drivers (for instance, a sign a block ahead) and allow drivers to legally avoid the checkpoints.

Food for thought

Bustin - Rollin'

2010-02-25T10:08:00.000-08:00

Hey something actually worthwhile to blog, a new music video:

Check Out My E-Feelings

2010-02-24T13:02:00.000-08:00

I counted nine deer in my backyard the other day. I think they’re planning something. A gathering in such numbers can only be suspicious.

New music projects have started crowding my briefly clean desktop. This is both good and daunting. I should probably start finishing some things.

Oh, and good news for everyone:

Following extensive political posturing and bureaucratic tomfoolery, I think I’ve finally added my senior project, under the conditions that I act more effusive, take advantage of the department’s vast resources, and imbue my art with an explicit social message. At this point I should quote the great Sir Thomas Waits, who famously stated, “I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy,” but I won’t. In cases such as this, it’s sometimes necessary to swallow one’s pride and take the frontal lobotomy.

In my day (today), we had to dig our cars out of the snow with our bare hands in order to leave our 18^th century log cabins and use the internet. With that in mind, I’d like everyone to take a moment to appreciate the ease with which we view lolcatz.

thump thump thump thump

2010-02-17T15:59:00.000-08:00

family made a Wale remix. it made it to #1 on hype machine.

DOWNLOAD IT

Wale - Good Girls (Andrew Clark + Quix Remix)

"Katamari Rollin"

2010-02-15T23:01:00.000-08:00

New Video Coming Soon...

thrift store finds

2010-02-13T14:44:00.001-08:00

The Kingston NY Salvation Army always smells like my grandpa's house. Interpret that how you will.

Here are some recent additions to my goofy VHS collection:

That's Dino Riders, Mystery Mr. Ra, and Zatoichi the Outlaw.

Dino Riders is about Dinosaurs with lazer guns strapped to their heads. If anyone has a problem with that I will fight them right now.

Mystery Mr. Ra is a Sun Ra documentary, which it turns out is in French. How a French Sun Ra documentary wound up in Kingston, NY is beyond me.

I haven't watched the Zatoichi movie yet, but as soon as I buy some drugs and make some friends I'm all about it.

Also picked up this MFSB record:

Instrumental tracks from the backing musicians for a lot of old Philly soul shit. It's aight. Kinda corny. I blame the saxophone. I did find a Jay-Z Black Album sample on it though so that's pretty cool I guess.

Finally, always with a keen eye for cutting edge style, Michaud-Me the Money picked up this ill Poopfest '09 shirt:

It says "PARTY" on the back.

Log Cabin to the Blog Cabin

2010-02-11T12:22:00.000-08:00

In between pacing around my room, being a piece of shit, and “focusing too much on trying to make [my] music sound good” (quote from my school’s music department), I sometimes like to do some field recording. This past Monday I decided to record myself breaking ice in my backyard. This could be looked at as a metaphor, if you’re into that sort of thing.

So I grabbed my portable recorder and proceeded to make sloshy, crunchy noises in the forest (Vince/Knever/Thoreau/Johnny/Iron Ahab/Long John Latham/Fontaine will tell you all about how I love to maximize the crunch). Just imagine me, having a great time hanging out with myself, kickin’ it in nature and balling out to the fullest.

Unfortunately for everyone, my fun was brought to a swift conclusion when I discovered I was walking on a frozen river, and despite my usual jesus-like ability to walk on water, my leg sank into a foot and a half of mud. At this point I tried to break the fuck out, but with each step sank further and further into the doodie-brown abyss (NO HOMO).

Needless to say, I wrecked my shoes, and need a new pair. Preferably something sturdy enough that I can do my usual traversing of rough terrain, but light and airy enough that I can frollick in the cornfields uninhibited.

I posted a recording of me cursing and running through the mud below. Call it an audio-photo, if you will (you will).

OK, so it wasn’t much of a story, but whatever, go fuck yourself.

Stayed tuned for more updates from Cold-and-Boringville whenever I decide I give a shit.

LOST

2010-02-11T00:50:00.001-08:00

I'm in the middle of watching the 2nd episode of this final season. What started as a gripping narrative has turned into a disgustingly underthought show. It is a pied play of lines people would never say, actions they would never take, and results that would never happen. The ignorance of the characters astounds. The island has turned into a time-traveling, alternate-reality, egyptian god-infested playground for piss poor writing. The staff should be ashamed. It is pitiful. Just like the Matrix movies, this proves that any unworthy mystery turns to shit when revealed. The writers admitted they didn't know where the show was headed after the 1st season, and now it looks like it. For anyone who hasn't seen the show yet, watch the first season and ignore the rest. The fact that I'm still watching it only serves to fuel my self-loathing so necessary for rhyme writing. fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this show.

I'm normally not this upset.

I give it a 6.

Weekly AKA

2010-02-09T21:02:00.001-08:00

THE NEXT RACHEL BILSON

SHANNON BREEZY

2010-02-07T10:42:00.000-08:00

Just to prep y'all for the Slam Dunk Competition.

ooo he so breezy.

so breezy here

From Paris With Love Review

2010-02-06T14:24:00.000-08:00

Last night Bustin, Micah, Lojack, and I hit up Travolta's new smash-hit "From Paris With Love". The four of us composed a beautiful rainbow of diversity. Bustin earned friends by asking the ticket booth whether or not he could see the movie in 3d. 'Travolta in 3d' a nearby man said, 'that would be magic.'

Turns out no magic needed. The movie is a thriller from twenty minutes in to twenty eight minutes in. Travolta's first baller scene consists of him arguing with French customs agents about bringing energy drinks into the country. He spews a cock-slap of obscenities and politically insensitive diatribes, and walks out.

Travolta's character name is Charlie Wax. Besides being a fucking amazing name, it also allows him to tell a foe at gunpoint, "Tell your boss, 'Wax on, Wax off'". He beats and shoots the shit out of people, forces his partner to carry around a vase full of cocaine for no apparent reason - and even makes him snort coke for no reason - and shoots women in the head.

If the movie were 100% Johnnie Travolta, I'd give it a 6. Unfortunately it has some pretty boy british dude pretending to be a new yorker who wastes the audience's time from beginning to end. With Travolta on-screen: priceless. Without him: garbage.

All in all, if you're looking for a movie to laugh at, not with, this is definitely the one.

I give it a: 6

Police at 4:45AM

2010-02-05T13:21:00.000-08:00

I woke up to my doorbell-phone ringing. I couldn't stumble around in bed quick enough to answer it. I heard pounding at the door. I rose confused, and saw it was still only 445 in the morning. I went to look at the front door and a pair of flashlights shone through a nearby window. The bell/phone rang again. The conversation went essentially like this:

"um, hello"
"open the door. this is the los angeles police department."
"um, excuse me?"
"open the door."
"what are you doing here."
"we're responding to a call made from this address."
"I didn't make any call."
"from an alarm company."
"the alarm didn't go off. It wasn't even on."
"I've identified myself as a member of the police department, now open the door."

Using my better judgement, I decided not to open the door. The knocking and flashlights continued and so I called 911. They told me that it was the cops. I went outside, turns out it was the cops. They were responding to a call that no one ever made. It was super creepy. I then laid awake in bed until it was light out, half-nervous that someone had snuck in through the window and was waiting to stick me in my sleep.

Stories. I has them.

wall-a-bee

2010-02-04T00:00:00.000-08:00

Wallabees: iGotzem

BALLATICIAN$

2010-02-03T15:31:00.000-08:00

You're Welcome

FUCK YOU

Two classic albums.

One non-existent price.

Merry XXXmas.

First Day Of Class

2010-02-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

I just grabbed lunch with Bustin after his first day of teaching Rap 101. Apparently the class is mostly women. They heard about his baby carrot freshness. Baby carrots, Bustin says, aren't always fresh but we aren't focusing on that. We just set up that stuuuuuuudio and we're about to record that new manimal jam.

Lookalike

2010-02-02T12:22:00.000-08:00

just a snippet from that upcoming mixtape jam lookalike:

i'm the out of shape surfer
grown up, gross-ass sponsor for gerber
(smile)
the dude behind the hamburglar
80% of sketches of any murderer
and I'm in your house
on your couch
blending in with the eggshell fuuuurniture

- the world's largest 3g network

Weekly AKA

2010-02-01T22:35:00.001-08:00

AKA....

The World's Largest 3G Network

The real question is...

2010-01-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

Not "why ya nipples so dusty," but rather what shoes to cop? The contestants are Clarks desert boots or Clarks wallabees.
Xzibit A: Desert Boots

Xzibit B: Wallabees

As we all know, Ghostface, the wallabee champ, reps the latter hard, so the Wu-tang in me wants that. Though the wallabees are classic, there's a certain untouchable timelessness about the desert boots. According to Emily Peters (thanks Em), the durability on the desert boots are questionable, though this might go for all Clarks in general nowadays. The wallabees are 15-30 dollars more but that shit is CUSHION. I just don't know. What do y'all think?

Early Morning Prep

2010-01-24T03:29:00.000-08:00

It's about 330 in the morning right now and I'm awake. I'm not awake because I was partying, or because of a cypher that went on forever, but rather because I've chewed and swallowed so many cough drops that I'm on a sugar high. I'm pacing around my room in spurs shorts and socks trying to /w people, but I can't find anyone to /w. Speaking of /w, I think that we should all take a moment to join the world of WoW. The world of world of wobblebass. Keep it in your heeeeaaaddddd. ALso, check this out:

No Concert

2010-01-23T16:30:00.000-08:00

It's official. I have terrible managerial skills. The concert's been cancelled. look for more in the future.

CONCERT SATURDAY

2010-01-20T11:17:00.001-08:00

ITS OFFICIAL, AMATEUR PROSE IS HOSTING A SHOW AT THE CALIFORNIA INSTITUTE OF ABNORMALARTS. LINEUP WILL BE ANNOUNCED

Maybe It Was Steven Seagal

2010-01-20T10:46:00.000-08:00

We continue to strive for uberexclusivity

2 NEW VIDEOHZ!

2009-12-30T13:15:00.000-08:00

for our myriad of readers who get all their AP news from this frequently updated super exclusive blog.

PEACE

2009-10-11T16:12:00.000-07:00

You guys need this gif in blue.

2009-10-08T12:34:00.000-07:00

GTNY Verse part II

2009-08-13T22:54:00.000-07:00

Just a li'l something extra...

Borough Verse from Amateur Prose on Vimeo.

GTNY tryout verse

2009-08-13T17:51:00.000-07:00

Vince GTNY tryout verse from Amateur Prose on Vimeo.

No Title Necessary

2009-08-12T15:23:00.000-07:00

salmon pink drink

2009-08-11T20:13:00.000-07:00

I'm Palming Pom

Insomnia

2009-06-18T03:56:00.000-07:00

kinda like this

EVER HAD BEAVER NUGGETS?

2009-06-02T20:42:00.000-07:00

saw this question posed on a billboard while driving through Texas. 100 miles later we pulled over to try the nuggets in question.

made of genuine beaver meat.

we on a road trip!

2009-05-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

welcome to HOTLANTA

Vince "won't sleep in a motel 6."

(it's beneath him).

Blackout! 2

2009-05-21T23:49:00.001-07:00

tanner mayes <--

tori black <--

carli banks <--

lexi belle <--

brea bennett <--

amia moretti<--

louisa arnos <--

A Funny Accent and Beach Creatures

2009-05-18T23:48:00.000-07:00

The us of beach creatures.

TOKiMONSTA

2009-05-17T10:21:00.000-07:00

This classy looking lady makes crazy beats under the name TOKiMONSTA.

Discovered while failing to write an essay via Flying Lotus' Brainfeeder.

You asked for this

2009-05-16T18:27:00.000-07:00

Once you can do this Crim, I'll resign from living altogether. Promise.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rx2aYGTR_To&feature=related

Almost forgot.

The Different Types Of Poop

Ghost Poop ~~ You know you've pooped. There's poop on the toilet paper, but no poop in the bowl.

Teflon Coated Poop ~~ Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of poop on the toilet paper. You have to look in the toilet bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey Poop ~~ This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your butt 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This poop leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought Poop ~~ You're all done wiping your butt and you're about to stand up when you realize it...you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead Poop ~~ This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop ~~ You poop so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now Poop ~~ You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.

King Kong or Commode Choker Poop ~~ This poop is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks Poop ~~ This poop hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your butt wet.

Wish Poop ~~ You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no poop!

Cement Block or Oh God Poop ~~ You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Snake Poop ~~ This poop is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) ~~ Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food Poop (also called Screamers) ~ You'll know it's alright to eat again when your butthole stops burning.

Beer Drunk Poop ~~ This happens the day after the night before. Normally your poop doesn't smell too bad, but this poop is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of poop also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle ~~ The kind of poop that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in.

The Bungee Poop ~~ The kind of poop that just hangs off your butt before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire Poop ~~ The kind of poop where you eat really spicy food and your butthole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler ~~ The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber ~~ The kind of poop that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang ~~ The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk Poop ~~ The king of poop that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

Jack the Ripper Poop ~~ The kind of poop that yanks out your butthair as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper ~~ The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas Poop ~~ The kind of poop that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl Poop ~~ The kind of poop that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City Poop ~~ When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a poop.

Oh Poop! Poop ~~ You poop so much and wipe your butt so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

The Never Ending Poop ~~ It's the poop that keeps running out of your butt like pee, and just when you start wiping your butt your stomach gargles and splash, more poop runs out. This always happens after eating at K.F.C.

Ab Rude - Nuff Fire

2009-05-14T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm a little late on this one...but so is everyone else.

that's all I got for now. cue up a jesse post about taking a shit.

2009-05-10T23:18:00.000-07:00

*~ AW YOU JOCKIN MOY STOIZ? ~*

2009-05-07T01:40:00.000-07:00

if you don't know who this is,

then you don't know who this is

straight outta columbia county

2009-05-04T23:57:00.000-07:00

if you wanna know how we do how we do

get a lotta pornography (tinfoil) and a flesh-light (hollowed out tube)

Pooping

2009-05-03T23:47:00.000-07:00

you know when you poop and some water splashes up onto your anus.

that shit is tight...

bidets get the job done when the regular brand TP clumps and wads.

No Homo (silky)

gooseberries

2009-05-03T23:44:00.000-07:00

doesn't that just say it all?

A Conversation with the Ballatician$

2009-05-03T20:22:00.001-07:00

I will now transcribe a conversation with the Ballatician$ as I hear it.

The setting: in the living room, playing donkey kong.

Lou: Crim loves the barrel. He's the king of the barrel

Justin: I'm rolling two joints with the rest of the weed

Lou: meep

Crim: Oh this song rules

Lou: You could make this a sweet song. Or not actually. You could make it a sweet rock song.

Crim: Shit.

Lou: You almost just killed yourself like an epic n00b

Nick: Damn Crim you're good at this.

Crim: I hate these guys.

Lou: They're monkeys throwing barrels.

Justin: They kind of look like Lou

Lou: They kind of look like me

Justin: It smells like soy sauce in here.

Crim: Is this our blog?

Nick: I want it so bad, and I'm the only one here.

Lou: Are you gonna smoke that joint?

Justin: I have the lighter right now unless you want to go out and smoke a cigarette

Lou: You guys run out of matches?

Jesse: ha

Jesse: Franco!

Crim: We have three weeks left

Nick: You see that Crim, I was all over his head

Justin: should we smoke both of these?

Lou: lets just smoke one and see

Jesse: smoke both

Nick: we know what's gonna happen when we smoke one

Justin: things that are rational don't fly. We play warcraft for 14hours straight. We smoke weed literally like its our job. We applied to get this job blazing

Jesse: We the best!

Nick: we're some of them

Crim: what kids?

Lou: those kids, when I showed up at the chapel and you guys were freebasing?

Jesse: I say nay to that crocodile. I always die here, every time.

Lou: can you skip a barrel?

Crim: you just have to be a G

Ball Air

2009-04-29T21:29:00.000-07:00

After years of working on the designs and concepts, we're proud to announce the release of our first line of Ball Air sneakers. They will be available in fall 09, sold exclusively through the Ballatician$ iStore. The inaugural launch will include three models.

The 'NoHoMo' work-boot redefines masculinity. Rugged leather panels and a denim toebox remind women of the catcalls they hear walking by a construction site. Each pair is guaranteed to be larger than a goat's nuts. Two colorways: Salmon/Flesh and Halo Green/Unreal Tournament Pewter. A solid, steel-toed kick in your image's ass.

The 'Snatch Master' attracts vagina like Chuck Norris attracts WoW nerds. This black and gold running shoe is made with 69k gold. Platinum cross-stitching really makes the shoe pop. Beyond its swag value, the 'Snatch Master' also happens to be the most advanced running shoe currently on the market. Not only will you look fresh, but you can back your shit up and run someone the fuck down.

The 'ekiN' is really just a pair of beat up Destroyers. We re-sewed the swoosh symbol upside down. Limited to 1. $5

We're still looking to offload 50,000+ copies of J. Vanacore's How to Ball Air: NBA2k9 Strategy Guide

Grown Men Cry

2009-04-29T01:46:00.000-07:00

I've been told grown men never cry. I've cried for the following reasons:

1. Got dumped.

2. Broke my collarbone

3. Shrooming

4. Listening to Deep Puddle Dynamics' Candle

5. Dog died

6. Got kicked in the shin by Will. Then went, sobbing, to 7-11 and got a huge bag of puffy cheetos.

more to cum

I Need This Foam Hand

2009-04-25T09:28:00.001-07:00

This foam hand.

I need it.

KenKen & The Fleshlight

2009-04-22T19:36:00.000-07:00

'Michaud Me Da Money' and I just abandoned our attempt at the nytimes.com uber-hard kenken shit. we tried the 8x8 and we've just been struggling for an hour. We can't crack the code, even though we're sniping answers off of each other. Michaud's still churning away like a fleshulator (half calculator, half flesh).

A fleshulator sounds a lot like fleshlight, which is a flashlight / vagina. That's a pretty baller invention. Imagine (no homo) the invention process. Did the inventor just hollow out a flashlight immediately, or was there a trial and error period? Did he try using toilet paper rolls? What was his prototype, a flashlight with sponges? Why did he even get the notion that he had to masturbate with something in the first place? Too lazy for a blowup doll?

Don't misinterpret. I LOVE masturbating.

I love. masturbating.

Tuesday Night Movie Review: Shrooms

2009-04-21T21:55:00.000-07:00

In honor of 4$ movie night at the Lyceum in Red Hook. Weekly movie review by J.H. Quest. (These movies are all available on the Netflix instant streamy-thing. If they weren't, I probably wouldn't have watched them. The final rating is based on how many people stayed to watch the whole movie.)

No one had much energy after the flaming morning shits following our too-hot sauce wing session. We decided to ball (no homo) at home. Nick and I had wanted to see Shrooms - a suspense horror about American teens shrooming in Ireland - and there wasn't enough opposition from the rest of the ballers to stop us from doing so.

Shrooms is a movie that should have never gotten past the fetal stage. I have to admit I was on-edge and frightened throughout much of the shitflick, but that's not really an accomplishment. Everything scares me. Puppies scare me. Puppies are way better than Shrooms, which is more predictable than a b0ner in winter. This blog typing program is telling me I misspelled boner, but I know I didn't misspell boner.

Anyway, this movie is garbage. Busta guessed everything that was going to happen within the first thirty seconds and out of the six of us who began watching only two and a half finished (sexy time was cradling his computer like an otter, thus he counts as a half). No one acts well, the directing is pooprific, and shots are re-used frequently. The only thing about this movie that will touch your boner is the demeanor of the douchebag fratboy character. His brass knuckle-ettes that read 'Death' and 'Coma' say it all.

He even wears them when he sleeps

Final Score: 2.5 Blunts (out of 6)

Happy 4.21

2009-04-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

Happy holiafterday. Ballatican$/Amateur Prose veteran Johnny Quest here. We're sitting on something like six tracks right now, putting a little makeup on them before they're released. Look for Busta's First of a Dying Breed in May. Also the Ballatician$ debut mixtape is solidifying post-flame. A few new hit singles coming at you soon, including Dust Her Nipples Off, and Ballin'.

Warn the kids about the buffalo wild shits

shit wild buffalo wild shits while wild buffalo wild buffaloes wildly shit wild buffalo shit.

we shit wild.

We Da

2009-04-20T00:52:00.000-07:00

BESSSSSSSST.

berry

2009-04-20T00:49:00.000-07:00

i def drank a half empty glass of cran, crim.

i owe you at least a half full glass of cran, crim.

LEGEND:

(cran = crim)

(crim = cran)

(cran + crim = a full glass of cran/crim)

Dust Her Nipples Off

2009-04-19T13:08:00.000-07:00

BallaticiaN$ working on the new exclusive hit single "Dust Her Nipples Off". The Babaram is in the building. Threat Level Redeye.

we're like your mom's dildosaurus hunting you at night.

Recording: We Are The Mozarts

2009-04-18T22:12:00.000-07:00

we're celebrating 4.20 on 4.18 because we decided to, and we're a few blunts deep. We're recording an epic fucking track about being dank, and Jaguar can't keep his giggle factory under control. He's spilling giggles everywhere. He's your burst nightmare.

We'll be putting up the track later tonight or tomorrow, keep you posted (like charles oakley)

alright

2009-04-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

who drank half the cranberry juice I bought yesterday. this shit isn't blue drink, it doesn't grow on trees.

I'm looking at you, "John Quest"

Crank 2

2009-04-17T15:36:00.000-07:00

we're all going to see Crank 2 today.

We just saw Crank 2.

It's no Crank.

Crank

2009-04-16T22:08:00.000-07:00

I just saw Crank, and it is by far the greatest movie of all time. If you haven't seen this movie, you're doing yourself a disservice. Don't be Lou. Go out and rent this movie. Tell your girlfriend she owes you. In fact, just put it all on the table and tell her you want to do coke off her ass and then make her give you "brains" (street slang for boner-licking). I dare you not to get a boner while watching Crank.

Fuck. also listen to Robbin' Williams

Lou is a Barnacle

2009-04-16T19:32:00.000-07:00

all he does is smoke our drugs.

sick that rhymes

Coming Soon

2009-04-16T17:38:00.001-07:00

Johnny Quest - Music for 14 Year Old White Girls (Prod. Joey Beats)

I'm the Jim Jones of this shit

Hi, I'm Vince

2009-04-16T17:28:00.001-07:00

and I'm a piece of shit. When I'm not lying on crim's couch, browsing porn like an a$$hole, I'm eating all of his cereal and pretending to be a rapper star

A Day in the Life of Crim (in 2 parts)

2009-04-16T16:37:00.001-07:00

1. wake up

2. clown

We Heart Manny Ramirez

2009-04-16T16:10:00.000-07:00

Yo, little quest coming at you from crim's creaking beatlab. It's getting all sunsetty and shit in here. Fucking beautiful orange light. We're recording the new jam for First of a Dying Breed, and justin's getting really airy with it. It's about LA so we're blazing and trying to channel those sunny, blazey days.

Manny Ramirez is probably the biggest baller in professional sports. hit that shit.

Field Trip

2009-04-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

Today we visited our birthplace, a lyrical pit of fire located at the center of the Me-niverse. It was awe-crunching. We ate Dibbs and laughed about the sun and sang until giggles overcame us. It was a windy day, and we had trouble lighting our barbecue.

We make rap.

What I Wish, part I

2009-04-14T17:07:00.001-07:00

I wish the single, dangling earring would come back in style for men.

When it does, I'll have the dreamcatcher earring ready to go.

How To Build A House Out of Fireplaces in 2 Easy Steps

2009-04-14T10:53:00.001-07:00

1. build a house out of fireplaces.

2. finish.

Ballatician$ store

2009-04-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

we've decided to open a ballatician$ store.

we will exclusively carry:

white shirts (6XL only)

gold-on-gold jerseys

bottled blue drink

How To Ball: NBA2k9 Strategy Guide - by jesse vanacore

Hudson area flagship store opening soon!

IT'S THAT BLUE DRINK

2009-04-13T20:33:00.000-07:00

CHECK THAT BLUE DRINK OUT!

3 Mixtapes Guaranteed to Blind

2009-04-13T20:09:00.002-07:00

morning.

three upcoming releases to watch out for:

Ballatician$

First of a Dying Breed

Sorry I Stole Your Music vol. 1

drool in anticipation.

WE BACK!

2009-04-13T20:09:00.001-07:00

CLICK HUR AND HUR